Five rules for being an adult

Five rules for being an adult. By Annie Lamott. With commentary

1. Have nothing wrong with you.
2. If you do have something wrong with you, don't admit to yourself.
3. If you cannot deny what is wrong with you, hide it from others.
4. If you cannot hide it, at least have the decency to not show up.
5. If you insist on showing up, be ashamed.

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They sound horrid on first look. But once you get into them, they make sense.


1. Have nothing wrong with you.

You are an adult now. Dealing with your baggage is your own problem. So deal with it. Get thee to a doctor, a shrink, a spiritual adviser, what have you until your issues are worked out. This includes all the issues coming from/dealing with your deity. No one else is going to fix them for you, you have to do the work.

2. If you do have something wrong with you, don't admit to yourself.

If you have yet to do this work, and a situation comes up, emergent or social or otherwise, please try to ignore your issues for the duration and focus on the situation at hand. This means don't bring them up. Do not discuss your deity (including asking everyone to pray), do not discuss your elation/misery over the most recent election, do not comment on your looks or anyone elses, and so on. Don't even think such things if at all possible, so no hint of it will be picked up on by the people around you.

3. If you cannot deny what is wrong with you, hide it from others.

This is the lite version of #2. If you can't stop thinking it for the duration, at the very least don't share. We don't want to know. We have the situation to focus on.

4. If you cannot hide it, at least have the decency to not show up.

If you can't hide it and cannot or will not stop sharing stay home. This goes out especially to those who follow a deity that requires them to pass judgment on others, and those who have body issues that cause them to pass judgment on others. If my size or who I love or the way I dress or the manner in which I raise my children or how I vote or whether or not I submit to anything is something you feel that strongly about, if it is going to be your main focus, just stay home. Don't bother to come out. The adults have a situation to deal with, we do not have time or energy to put into your issue.

5. If you insist on showing up, be ashamed.

You're screwing up life for the rest of us, and making the situation worse. Really, you're acting terribly childish. You should be ashamed.

(h/t to Maggie @ Group News Blog)
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Update: According to Maggie Jochild, in the comments here:

The 5 Rules for Being An Adult are sarcasm, folks. She's pointing out how we try to live by impossible, inhumane standards. It's a case of "root out this beliefs inside you and ditch them", because, as she often points out, perfectionism is mental illness.

Because EVERYONE has something "wrong" with them. I read these as a manifesto against self-hatred, especially with regard to the "things wrong" which are utterly visible in our culture, like being nonwhite, being nonmale, being disabled, looking poor, being a child...

It is sarcasm and needs to be rooted out when it applies to such things as being non-white, non-male, disabled and so on. Things that just can't change, that just are.

In my opinion, however, they still apply when referring to such things as prejudice, sexism, homophobia, fatphobia, overt religiosity, and so on.

Well said

Giving credit where credit is due

I tend to rant and rage against most practicing Christians, usually because the hypocrisy gets to me so much. One of the things that always drove me insane was how most pro-life groups stopped caring about the baby once it was safely out. I always wondered why it was so wonderful to save a baby, and then not concern themselves with all the children in foster care.

Finally, Focus on the Family is fixing that.

From their website:

Christians have a clear command to care for orphans, and there are many ways to get involved-like praying, giving, mobilizing your church, or adopting. Whichever you decide, we'll provide guidance and support as you walk down this incredibly rewarding path. So embrace the call, avoid the trap of thinking "someone else will help," and let's make the US a place where every orphan waiting in foster care has a family.

Our hope is that you begin to see the face of Christ in each of these children.

From the Denver Post

Adoption effort gets "phenomenal" results
By Electa Draper
The Denver Post
Updated: 11/26/2008 12:36:23 AM MST

About 250 families took the first steps toward adoption of the 790 children waiting in the state's foster-care system after Saturday's "Wait No More" event at New Life Church in Colorado Springs.

Religious organizations traditionally help with adoptions, state officials said, but the 1,300-person turnout at the one-day event, sponsored by Focus on the Family and New Life, was unprecedented.

It is two to three times the number of people who attend adoption orientations in the seven participating counties in one full year, said Dr. Sharen Ford of the Colorado Division of Child Welfare Services.

"It was phenomenal. It's never happened before that we had faith-based groups, county governments, the state and other agencies in one place at one time," Ford said. "People care about Colorado's kids."

In Colorado, more than 8,000 children are in foster care, said Denver Department of Human Services spokeswoman Laura Coale. Only 790 of them are available for permanent adoption because parental rights have been terminated in their cases, she said.

Focus on the Family's Orphan Care Initiative also will help adoptive families find resources after a child's placement.

"The ultimate goal is to have no children in foster care in Colorado," said Kelly Rosati, senior director of Focus on the Family's Sanctity of Human Life division.

Yes!! I have to applaud them in their efforts. This is a huge problem, and I am absolutely thrilled that they are putting their considerable resources toward solving it.

I disagree with Focus on the Family on just about every other point. But on this issue, right here, I finally have to give them credit.

Patriocentrics take note

Quite possibly that should be patriocentrics and other religious nuts. The bible might say "spare the rod and spoil the child" or some such nelly nonsense, but....

From USA Today

Police: Boy charged with killing dad vowed spanking limit

By Dennis Wagner, The Arizona Republic
PHOENIX — An 8-year-old St. Johns, Ariz., boy charged with double-homicide may have kept a written record of spankings by his parents, vowing that the 1,000th would be his limit, according to a police records released Friday.

A search affidavit by Sgt. Lucas Rodriguez says the child "is believed to have made ledgers and or communicated in the form of writings about his intentions. (The boy) told a CPS. .. worker that when he reached one thousand spankings. .. that would be his limit. (The boy) kept a tally of his spankings on a piece of paper."

In a statement to police a day after the Nov. 5 killings, the boy said he had been spanked the day before the shootings because he did not complete a school assignment.

Assuming that they started beating on the kid at birth he was being beaten every three days. If you assume they started when he was older he was being beaten every other day or perhaps daily.

Don't blame the kid for snapping. Not one bit.

And do not say that a spanking isn't a beating. You are hitting a child to cause pain, it's a beating. I don't care if it's open handed or done with some implement, I don't care if you are angry or calm, I don't care if your preferred parenting guru or some holy book told you it was acceptable, it's BEATING and it's WRONG. Pure and simple.

Not only does it leave your children hateful and resentful of you, but it destroys their trust in you. So when the bullies want them to commit a crime for them or the bad man comes after them, they aren't going to tell you. They're afraid of you, they might tell you, the person who is supposed to love them and protect them, and you might hit them for it.

Is this the relationship you want with your children?

Do you want them waiting for the day they can leave? Counting the days until they turn 18/graduate high school so they can never look back?

Do you want them to dream of killing you? Do you want them to hate you that much?

Do you?

Ahead of the melamine curve

From the Washington Post:

Public health groups, consumer advocates and members of Congress blasted the Food and Drug Administration yesterday for failing to act after discovering trace amounts of the industrial chemical melamine in baby formula sold in the United States.
.....

The FDA found melamine and cyanuric acid, a related chemical, in samples of baby formula made by major U.S. manufacturers. Melamine can cause kidney and bladder stones and, in worst cases, kidney failure and death. If melamine and cyanuric acid combine, they can form round yellow crystals that can also damage kidneys and destroy renal function.

Melamine was found in Good Start Supreme Infant Formula With Iron made by Nestle, and cyanuric acid was detected in Enfamil Lipil With Iron infant formula powder made by Mead Johnson. A spokesman for Nestle did not respond to repeated calls and e-mails for comment yesterday.

Gail Wood, a spokeswoman for Mead Johnson, said the company does not think that cyanuric acid poses a health threat to infants. "Cyanuric acid is approved by the FDA to sanitize processing equipment," she said. "The risks of not sanitizing equipment are far greater than ultra trace amounts of residual cyanuric acid found in the formula."

......

Agency scientists have maintained they could not set a safe level of melamine exposure for babies because they do not understand the effects of long-term exposure on a baby's developing kidneys. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that infant formula is a baby's sole source of food for many months. Premature infants absorb an especially large dose of the chemical, compared with full-term babies.

Breastfeed, peeps, breastfeed. They released this article on Thanksgiving Day. Not that they were trying to hide it or anything.

Sometimes it's the small things

Old ironworkers ritual - plant the flag on top of the building - captured by a CNN camera crew waiting for a flight...

Amen Keef!!!

Go.

Read.

Here.

More of that old-time tolerance

This one is from Americans United, found via Pharyngula

Last Sunday, Dr. Bruce Prescott of Mainstream Oklahoma Baptists interviewed Joann Bell on his radio show.
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As a mother in Little Axe, Okla., Bell experienced first-hand how government-sponsored religion can destroy a community.

In 1981, Bell had just moved to Little Axe and enrolled her children in the local public school system. At that time, school officials were allowing a teacher-sponsored student group called the Son Shine Club to gather before school to pray.

Though the fundamentalist Baptist meetings were supposedly voluntary, the school buses dropped students off 30 minutes before classes started. Those who were not attending the religious meetings had to wait outside the building, sometimes in the rain or cold. The Son Shine sessions also extended into first-hour class time, Bell said.

First break. First question, why was this running into class time? When I was teaching we had to fret over the INSTRUCTIONAL MINUTES. According to the state of California we had to teach our students a minimum number of INSTRUCTIONAL MINUTES every year, period. If we didn't meet the INSTRUCTIONAL MINUTES no one was going on summer break. Snow days or flood days or what have you took away from the INSTRUCTIONAL MINUTES and would have to be made up. So would things like certain presentations, class parties, and other happening. So whatever you wanted to do in your classroom you had to take the INSTRUCTIONAL MINUTES in to account. I cannot imagine that Oklahoma would be any different.

If this Son Shine Club ran over into the actual school day it would be taking away from the INSTRUCTIONAL MINUTES, which would mean that either the teacher was screwing up, and it was being allowed, or they were staying in class X #of days a year to cover for this. Either way, a far more serious issue than most realize, I think.

Question #2, why not have a playground monitor or volunteer teacher or someone covering the library or lunchroom to get these kids out of the weather while they waited?

Oh, riiiight, because the whole point was to coerce the kids into sitting down to listen to the mythology. Odds are they would never come in on their own. Says quite a lot for your omnipotent god and his message there.

One student told a reporter with the National Catholic Reporter in 1984, “If you wanted to be warm, you prayed.”

Moving on...

Bell, who was very active in the Church of the Nazarene, wanted to be able to teach her children about their own religion. But her kids began questioning their beliefs based on what they heard at school. When they came home with Bibles, Bell and another parent, Lucille McCord (a member of the Church of Christ), decided it was time to take it up with the school board.

Point, Bell was another Christian. This was Nazarene vs. Baptist. The Atheists had nothing to do with this one at this point.

The two women were met with hostility. Bell recalled that board members told her “they did things the way they wanted to. If I didn’t like it, that was my problem.” Those at the meeting chanted “atheists, go home!” and one school board member handed out homemade placards to the crowd that said “Commies Go Home.”

That was just the start. After contacting the ACLU and filing a lawsuit, Bell and McCord became the subjects of hatred and even violence. Bell’s house was burned down by a firebomb. McCord’s 12-year-old son’s prize goats were slashed and mutilated with a knife. Bell was assaulted by a school cafeteria worker who smashed her head repeatedly against a car door. (School authorities praised the cafeteria worker, and she was forced to pay a $10 fine and Bell’s hospital bills, community residents raised donations on the assailant’s behalf.) McCord and Bell were both mailed their own obituaries.

No comment

“When I began the suit, I just wanted to stop the religious services at school, but I supported the idea of nonsectarian prayer in the classroom during school,” McCord told the National Catholic Reporter. “Since I’ve seen what religion can do to a community, I don’t support any religious observance in school.”

Amen, sister! This is why I think all secular/athiests should just homeschool. Save you and your kids the stress. Given the christian tendency to want to eliminate real science and change history, your kids will be far better educated anyway.

New Quote...

...over in the sidebar. It's from an article on Ex-Christian.net, about a place called Calvary Temple. The good pastor, who likes to play with racing cars and married a 20 year old virgin at 55 when his wife died, sounded a lot like the men I grew up around. Then I read this...

At 61, Scott still has the air of the West Coast college football player he once was. He dresses informally, smiles easily and delivers his judgments not by banging the lectern but by using a tone of New Age calm.

In his sermons, he tells of his exploits as a young man, the lure of sports, girls and parties. Born in Monterey, Calif., he was raised in a home where religion wasn't practiced. He was born again at 20.

Yep.

I think she nails it

"A life well spent" James West Cope, 1878

For all that the blogger her is very, very Christian (any blog with "titus 2" or "Proverbs 31" in the title is very, very Christian) I think she hit a very good, secular nail on the head in this entry entitled "Why Modern Motherhood is So Much Harder than it Ought to Be". This section jumped out at me, but the rest is equally excellent:

We are handicapped by our society’s (begrudging at times) acceptance of mothers at home, but total lack of acceptance of women staying home without children. “There’s nothing to do,” the conventional wisdom goes, as if cooking, shopping, and laundry are so incidental as to fit nicely into cracks. The result of this is that, just like Jane in my story, most women don’t come home full time until they become mothers. What few of us take into account is that coming home after spending most of your life in school or at work is a MAJOR life change. We go from almost constant people contact and interaction to hours of solitude. We go from a life in which we are able to complete many tasks (like papers, and work projects) that we will not have to do again, to a world in which we will have to do most of our tasks over, and over, and over. We go from a world in which our work was evaluated by others, and our schedules were, at least to some extent, controlled by others, to a world in which we are almost totally responsible for our own time management, and in which we are only seeking to please our husbands and the Lord. This can be hugely bewildering. It was for me. I was very depressed for a long time when I first came home after graduating from college. It took me between one and two years to wean myself away from dependence on the constant feedback of school grades to confirm my worth.

Becoming a mother is also a MAJOR life change. The responsibility can be overwhelming at times. For the first time in our lives, another human being is completely dependent upon us for everything. This little person can’t even change his own position if he gets uncomfortable or bored. We have to completely adjust our schedules to take into account the baby’s needs, and often our own needs seem lost in the shuffle. Many women face difficulties learning to breastfeed, figuring out sleeping, and yes, even showering with a new baby to care for. Marriages are often in flux at this point, too, as relationships adjust to account for a third family member. On top of this, many of us face the postpartum hormonal roller coaster and the physical pain and exhaustion of recovering from the birth.

It is insane that our culture expects us to go through both changes at once. And yet, for many women, this is the norm. We’ve all heard of “stay at home moms.” “Stay at home wives” and “stay at home daughters” are oddities in most circles.

Go read. It's worth it.