Five rules for being an adult

Five rules for being an adult. By Annie Lamott. With commentary

1. Have nothing wrong with you.
2. If you do have something wrong with you, don't admit to yourself.
3. If you cannot deny what is wrong with you, hide it from others.
4. If you cannot hide it, at least have the decency to not show up.
5. If you insist on showing up, be ashamed.

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They sound horrid on first look. But once you get into them, they make sense.


1. Have nothing wrong with you.

You are an adult now. Dealing with your baggage is your own problem. So deal with it. Get thee to a doctor, a shrink, a spiritual adviser, what have you until your issues are worked out. This includes all the issues coming from/dealing with your deity. No one else is going to fix them for you, you have to do the work.

2. If you do have something wrong with you, don't admit to yourself.

If you have yet to do this work, and a situation comes up, emergent or social or otherwise, please try to ignore your issues for the duration and focus on the situation at hand. This means don't bring them up. Do not discuss your deity (including asking everyone to pray), do not discuss your elation/misery over the most recent election, do not comment on your looks or anyone elses, and so on. Don't even think such things if at all possible, so no hint of it will be picked up on by the people around you.

3. If you cannot deny what is wrong with you, hide it from others.

This is the lite version of #2. If you can't stop thinking it for the duration, at the very least don't share. We don't want to know. We have the situation to focus on.

4. If you cannot hide it, at least have the decency to not show up.

If you can't hide it and cannot or will not stop sharing stay home. This goes out especially to those who follow a deity that requires them to pass judgment on others, and those who have body issues that cause them to pass judgment on others. If my size or who I love or the way I dress or the manner in which I raise my children or how I vote or whether or not I submit to anything is something you feel that strongly about, if it is going to be your main focus, just stay home. Don't bother to come out. The adults have a situation to deal with, we do not have time or energy to put into your issue.

5. If you insist on showing up, be ashamed.

You're screwing up life for the rest of us, and making the situation worse. Really, you're acting terribly childish. You should be ashamed.

(h/t to Maggie @ Group News Blog)
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Update: According to Maggie Jochild, in the comments here:

The 5 Rules for Being An Adult are sarcasm, folks. She's pointing out how we try to live by impossible, inhumane standards. It's a case of "root out this beliefs inside you and ditch them", because, as she often points out, perfectionism is mental illness.

Because EVERYONE has something "wrong" with them. I read these as a manifesto against self-hatred, especially with regard to the "things wrong" which are utterly visible in our culture, like being nonwhite, being nonmale, being disabled, looking poor, being a child...

It is sarcasm and needs to be rooted out when it applies to such things as being non-white, non-male, disabled and so on. Things that just can't change, that just are.

In my opinion, however, they still apply when referring to such things as prejudice, sexism, homophobia, fatphobia, overt religiosity, and so on.