What I finally posted on the subject

(Note - 02/21/2008 - The post was originally made on 02/04/06. I kept this post up because it states what I believe when it comes to child raising. And it's just as true now as it was then. These were responses to a debate on a board involving religion and homemaking. - AC)

These are the two posts I put on that board concerning corporal punishment. I'm just going to copy them here, since I'm still pretty upset. I posted the first the same day as my last post here, the second today. I'll talk about it all later.

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Earlier this year my husband, whom I met and married in the Pagan faith, decided to convert
to Catholicism. I have been following his lead, and re-exploring my faith. I have also been
exploring my role as a wife and homemaker. To that end I discovered the LAF site, and with
Mrs. Chancey's urging, came here to find fellowship for my roles as wife and Christian.

I tell you ladies this, if I honestly thought the Lord wanted me to beat my children for any
reason, I would return to Paganisim now, and I would take my children with me. If I thought
the Lord wanted me to treat them in such a way I would never allow them on church grounds
and I would banish the Bible from my home as a source of evil.

As it is, the thought that I was praying Old Testament prayers with my husband earlier this
evening is turning my stomach.

You see, during my time as a Pagan I also took up an alternative lifestyle. I spend many
years as part of the BDSM community. In fact, I still consider myself a member of that
community. As part of that lifestyle I experienced, as an adult, many of the disciplines
described in Lori's post. I have leaned against a wall while a paddle ("chastisement tools")
was applied to my bottom. I have taken cane (rod) strikes on the thighs. I have even been
whipped. I know firsthand how those punishments can hurt and humiliate. I have also learned
how to give such blows, safely, and without causing any permanent damage, to a fellow,
consenting adult.

The thought of doing so to a child is the single most evil and disgusting thing I have ever
heard.

If I had not been beaten and harmed as a child I may have never left the church. If I had
not been beaten and harmed as a child the desire to be hurt and humiliated my never have
become part of my sexuality. Most of those I know, from both communities, were beaten and
harmed as children, in the name of God.

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes
one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a
large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea."

Matthew 18: 5-6

To protect myself and my family I must leave this board. I still have not decided if I need
to leave the church as well.

Good by

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I am starting a seperate post on this topic. I felt it very important that this not become
lost in the shuffle of posts. The reasons will become clear.

Well, I am not entirely certain how to put this....

First off, after a long series of talks with my husband and our Priest, I have decided not
to leave the Catholic church. They have reassured me that our church does not endorse
corporal punishment in any way. And my husband and I have been reassured both by our
church, by careful reading of the Bible, and in prayer that our choosing not to practice
corporal punishment is correct.

My husband has challenged me to stay and provide and example to the ladies here whom I
believe have been misled. He pointed out that Jesus dined with prostitutes and tax
collectors, and other known to be sinners. He showed them mercy, and led by example.

(And no, I am not calling anyone here a prostitute or a tax collector. And just in case,
last I looked it was not a sin to work for the IRS :) )

I must say this. Out of respect for Mrs. C*** and Mrs. C*** I will not bring up the
subject. If it is brought up, I will express my feelings on the subject. I believe this
practice is sinful and evil. Sinful because it can lead a child to sin later in life, and
evil because it can drive a child away from their family and from God.


After a careful reading of the posts on the subject I believe our moderators disagree with
my beliefs on the subject. However, I do not believe they mean to silence all opposing
voices, only to try to discourage strife on this board. Again, I pledge not to bring up
this subject.

However...

You ladies must know that I am a volunteer with our local Sheriff's department. As such I
am what is known as a mandatory reporter. If I encounter a situation that I percieve to be
abusive, by law I must report it to the proper authorities. After a discussion today with
Sheriff W. I have been instructed to report any description of corporal punishment that I
consider to be excessive or abusive to our local cyber crimes unit and to cyberangels.org.
This will include screenshots of the topic thread. If either agency also finds that a child
may be in danger due to the actions described, they may track back the ISP and report it to
the appropriate police department for further investigation.

I know many of you ladies, and many others who believe that the Bible instructs you to
practice corporal punishment live in fear of Child Protective Services. This message is not
meant to cause you greater fear, but only to inform you of what my faith, my conscious, and
the law tells me I *must* do.

If the moderators feel they must ban me for this, then so be it.

Now, to the ladies who were so upset by my post the other day....

I know that I can stand before my husband, my Priest, and my God and clearly say that I have
never, and will never practice corporal punishment with any child. I feel no guilt or fear
from this decision, only a clear sense of peace in my heart. You seem to be quite fearful,
that your families will be destroyed, or that you will be persecuted, or that your faith
will be taken from you because of someone finding out that you practice corporal punishment.
Based only upon reading what you have written, and sensing the fear, panic, and guilt
behind your words I must suggest that you seek further prayer on this subject. I must
suggest that you question those teachers who have told you that this is Biblically correct,
and is the Will of God. And I must suggest that you seek to hear His voice on this subject.

Thank you for reading this.

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edited later

About 20 min after the second posting I was banned from the site.

My take: If they honestly believed what they were doing was complete just, right, and good why were they afraid to keep me around?

Boxes upon boxes

(Note - 02/21/2008 - The post was originally made on 01/28/06. I kept this post up because I think it has a moment of remarkable insight about my Mother. Something I should remember - AC)

So I've been helping Mother unpack her boxes. Boxes on top of boxes. She was living in a 950 sq ft house, and she has 180 boxes of varying sizes. That means a box of stuff for every 5 surface feet. And that assumes no furniture.

Much of it, at least half of it, is kitchen stuff. Three automatic coffee makers. Five manual coffee makers. A stand mixer, a hand-held mixer, a blender, a smoothie maker, a food processor. An electric frying pan. Two deep fryers. Innumerable spoons, spatulas, and gadgets. Three dozen pots of varying sizes. And on and on...

And she lives off of cold cereal, toasted waffles, sandwiches, and TV dinners.

What is compulsive shopping and spending?

People who "shop 'till they drop" and run their credit cards up to the limit often have a shopping addiction. They believe that if they shop they will feel better. Compulsive shopping and spending generally makes a person feel worse. It is similar to other addictive behaviors and has some of the same characteristics as as problem drinking (alcoholism), gambling and overeating addictions.

Compulsive shopping or spending can be a seasonal balm for the depression, anxiety and loneliness during the December holiday season. It also can occur when a person feels depressed, lonely and angry. Shopping and spending will not assure more love, bolster self-esteem, or heal the hurts, regrets, stress, and the problems of daily living. It generally makes these feelings worse because of the increased financial debt the person has obtained from compulsive shopping.

Mother has never had to feel the consequences of her addiction. Her father, Pop, has always bailed her out. She spend many years married to a man who abused both of us, in order to have access to his money and credit for more shopping. And she has racked up thousands of dollars in debt on her house, a problem she hopes to solve with this move. All the while her credit score remains excellent, while she fills her house many times over.

I used to feel bitter and angry over Mother's shopping habit. Here she was spending thousands, while the husband and I went through tough times. And I think I'd enjoy having some of the beautiful things she owns. But I have many intangibles she lacks. The love and respect of a good man, who knows I treat his belongings with care, and I am careful with his money. The love and respect of my community and my peers, who value me not for what I own, but for my willingness to volunteer and help those who truly need. Someday the love and respect of my children, who I hope will value me for the knowledge and hard earned wisdom I can share. Self respect, for I know I can survive and make a good life for myself and my family even in the toughest times. And most important, , faith, that there is a plan in all this, and that God actually does care about me, and will never truly let me fall. With that I don't need material goods to make me feel valued, or loved.

Those things cannot be bought, no matter how much you shop or spend. Not even at the finest kitchen stores.

Club Sandwich example #1 - the pants

(Note - 02/21/2008 - The post was originally made on 01/26/06. I kept this post up because it says so much about the relationships in my immediate family. - AC)

Last week my Mother made a major life transition. She moved aprox. 500 miles to live closer to my husband and I. This is the first time she's ever bought a house on her own, the first time she's lived away from our home town, her first major move. It's big, real big. On moving day, as the movers were packing 80+ years of family history and the result of Mother's shopping addiction (more on that later) into a semi, my Grandfather called her.

What he was thinking:

"You are going through a major transition, which will affect both our lives. I need to know that I will still be loved and respected after this transition,"

What he actually said:

"I've gained 20 pounds. Can you go buy me some pants. And they'll need to be shortened, too"

What she was thinking:

"This is a major transition in my life. I need to focus on my needs right now. I would like it if you could offer me some show of love and support at this time"

What she actually said:

"(&&^T^%#@#$$%^@#!)(*$%(*%^$!%*%#&%@(!*)!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

What I was thinking:

"I love both of you, and I understand your needs for reassurances during this time of transition. I am here to offer you both my support, but in order to stay strong and healthy I also need to control my time and protect myself and my marriage from becomming overly focused on your needs. I will always love and support you both, but I must maintain my balance."

What I actually did:

I went to JCPenny.com and found Pop's pants. Cotton/poly, stain resistant, work-weight twill, flat front, dark neutrals, 42/28. It would have taken all day in a mall, it took 5 minutes online. While I was there I also found his preferred underwear and outerwear. They no longer carry his preferred shirt, but the manufacturer had a link to retailers on it's web page, and I found out who carries them in town. I then scored Pop's credit card from Mom, ordered 2 pair sent to my house, and told her I would shorten them and send them along. She could reimburse me for shipping at the end of the month.

Thereby reassuring Pop that his needs would still be met, and he would be loved and respected through this transition and beyond. Reassuring Mom that she would be cared for and respected by lifting a time burden from her and doing a job she is less able to do physically (she has arthritis as well, and hemming is a difficult chore for her) Protecting my marriage by doing all this on our swing shift schedule, so it won't cut into valuable husband time. And finally, caring for myself by using technology to save a lot of running around, and to record his preferences so I have less of a chore to repeat next time.

The Club Sandwich generation

(Note - 02/21/2008 - The post was originally made on 01/26/06. I kept this post up because this is still the central problem in my life. - AC)

What, you might be asking, is the club sandwich generation?

Let's start with a simple definition:

The Sandwich generation: Baby Boomers in their 30's and 40's stuck between caring for later in life children and aging parents.

Translation: You, the Baby Boomer, followed the feminist advice and started your career before starting your family. At the same time, medical science helped your WW II parents live longer lives, while many times coping with chronic illnesses. As a result, at say, 40, you have to raise a 10 year old, and care for a 70 year old parent who is taking a lot longer to die than his parents did.

Now:

The Club sandwich generation: Gen Xers, in their 30's and 40's stuck between caring for later in life children, aging parents and grandparents.

Translation: You, the Gen Xer, followed the bad feminist advice from the Baby Boomers and started your career before starting your family, and you started even later. At the same time, hard living helped you Baby Boomer start dealing with chronic illnesses earlier in life. And your grandparents are sill limping along, while your Baby Boomer parents are becoming less willing or able to care for them. As a result you are 40, with a 5 year old to raise, a 70 year old parent to care for and a 90 year old to look after as well.

(A therapist named Carol Abaya may have copyrighted the term "Club Sandwich Generation". I've been using it for 20 years now, since my family started expecting caretaking behavior when I was quite young. However, if she wants the copyright, or trademark, or whatever, I really don't care. She can have the credit, I'm still using the term)

In my family this translates into a number of issues. My Mother put my Grandfather into an assisted living facility last year. It's working out well for him, he really needed more care than she was willing to provide. However, she has made it quite clear that she would rather he shut up and go away. Anything more than check writing is a major imposition on her life.

And yet, he needs some care. Yes, his day-to-day needs are met, but he needs to know that he is loved and respected, he is still part of a family, and that his family is still willing to provide what care the facility cannot.

Mother has also recently moved into town, for the express purpose of living closer to me "so that you can care for me as I get old". Given that she is 60, a fairly brittle Diabetic, with high blood pressure and Glaucoma, in a family with a history of heart disease as well, odds are she is going to need more care, and sooner rather than later. She is already on some fairly heavy-duty meds, doesn't exercise, and has refused to follow a diet plan in any but the most nominal way. (She also calls me Mommy. Very trippy.)

Pop, on the other hand, has reached 90 while navigating most of the major health related issues common to men in his demographic. While he dealt with the emotional issues common to all veterans, and the minor issues common to someone of the WW II era, he has encountered neither cancer nor Diabetes, neither heart disease nor stroke, and none of the common forms of dementia. He could easily continue on for another 10 years without encountering any major issues, and finally die of just running out of steam.

In the meantime, the husband and I haven't even started our family yet.

So I must say I'm very glad we have structured our lives around one-income. Two elderly relatives and a couple of young children are going to keep my busy enough over the coming decade. However, that's one of the big reasons why we can't physically move to the country, I have multiple levels of aging and elderly relatives to care for, they refuse to or cannot leave town, and the drive between the country and town would be too much.

Personally, I'm already tired.

(Note - 02/21/2008 - This past January my father and step-mother informed me that they were moving to the area because we have excellent health care and because they have family here who can help take care of them. His other children are in Montana and Florida, hers are in Nevada.

Sigh - AC)